“Do you want to change your personality? Have a baby!”. Author Olga Khazan was 36 years old when she decided to have a child. At 36 she decided to become a mother, despite a lifetime spent feeling little affinity with cuddles and children. Yet, once she had a child, she writes, everything changed: neurosis and depression seemed to disappear. But is it really possible to “cure” yourself through pregnancy?

The short answer is no, becoming a mother won’t solve your problems. It is a delicate, difficult path, and depression can mitigate it but also cause it: “One or two women in ten can go through a phase of post-partum depression” explains psychotherapist and criminologist Paulina Szczepanczyk (on Tiktok Doctor Paulina), “but the real figure is higher. There is a dark number of women who suffer because many do not ask for help. The main symptoms are depressed mood, loss of interest, anxiety, extreme fatigue, intrusive thoughts and pathology it can become chronic if not recognized and treated promptly.”

@dott.ssa_paulina What do you think? #casopifferi ♬ original sound – dott.ssa_paulina

Life as a Tiktok mom

And this is just one of the thousand implications that can arise following motherhood. The idea that being a woman means being a mother has long been outdated and not all girls necessarily have to find themselves at some point in their lives among ultrasound scans, diapers and bottles.

Simone de Beauvoir, Emma Goldman, Shulamith Firestone, none of them ever had children. The feminists of the last millennium seemed to have clear ideas: motherhood is a cage made of deprivation, oppression and surrender to a society that wants them to be slaves to patriarchy, while feminism is anarchy (to refer to one of their most famous books). Today, however, this is no longer the case.

Twenty-first century mothers reclaim their body in every sense, in freedom, sensuality and acceptance of its change. Pregnancy is a transformative experience, stretch marks on the belly are a source of pride and feel free to celebrate the power to generate life. To such an extent that becoming a mother can be a status finally free of negative connotations.

And on social media this revolution is evident: growing bellies, breastfeeding, children running around and “typical days” told minute by minute. Contents that become trends: on Tiktok, there are pages dedicated to all the tips and advice for creating the perfect video. But motherhood isn’t just smiles, pink bows and congratulations.

@nychotmom #mom #nycmom #ootd #outfit #fashion #style #foryoupage #fyp #bugaboo #stroller #chanel #revolve #gucci #mommy #coolmom #hotmom #momsoftiktok #momlife #momtok #momanddaughter ♬ original sound – ar1esluver

Matrescence and changes

In the Seventies the term matrescence was born, which describes the profound physical, psychological and cerebral change that accompanies a woman from conception to the first years after giving birth. “These are events that are experienced in a very subjective way, but there is an aspect that is the same for all of them, which is the biological one. Very intense hormonal changes such as those of estrogen, progesterone, oxytocin, prolactin which influence a person’s mood, energy, sleep and body perception” explains the doctor. “This biological impact can also be negative. Not all pregnancies maintain a balance of these hormones and there can be repercussions on the psyche.”

The psychological impact that being a mother can have is also strong. There is a real restructuring of identity. “It is important that before pregnancy the woman has a balanced and integrated personality in all its forms, that she already has resources and a good social network beforehand. And even the acceptance of one’s body should not be underestimated. Because clearly for those who have problems with their appearance, during pregnancy the impact that this can have on the mind is much more accentuated.”

A delicate path that also changes the perception of oneself, as the feminists of the last century understood: “There is a need for support and recognition in dealing with all these hormonal, physical and social variations. This is why the figure of the partner is fundamental” says Dr. Paulina, but “above all, the most important aspect is to have a balanced personality so that one is able to ask for help when one does not have the resources to face this great change”.

And in fact for a few hours, alongside the trending videos of “oversupplier moms” (mothers who produce more milk than necessary), slightly different clips have also appeared on Tiktok, which tell of another motherhood.

@dvnicag Girl I’m a rockstar in motherhood✨❤️ #momoftiktok #morningroutine #realisticmomlife #pumpingmom ♬ Originalton – nice sounds🤝🏼

Infanticides and maternal instinct

Giovanni, nine years old, sad eyes, the lenses of his glasses amplify the pain of a child who hopes to be believed and satisfied: “I don’t want to go with mum, I’m better with you”. Now that look no longer exists, the little boy was killed by his mother, Olena Stasiuk. The psychiatric report revealed a personality disorder with paranoid traits, but also a state of shock following the murder.

In a few cases the disorders emerge following childbirth, phenomena such as post-partum depression or generalized anxiety, panic attacks when the baby cries can occur and, among the most serious, there is obsessive-compulsive disorder in the post-partum period. In the case of Olena Stasiuk “we are talking about women with psychosis, with highly dysfunctional psychological problems. For example, there may be personalities who have dissociative traits and don’t really realize what they are doing”.

Or there may be phenomena of isolation as in the case of Chiara Petrolini. “We see very young girls who, in fact, bury their children in the garden and create social isolation, we can say. We also have to ask ourselves why in nine months no one noticed that the girl or woman was pregnant. These are dysfunctional families in which there is no real empathy, social groups base their existence only on appearance. So very often girls who have unplanned pregnancies are afraid of the judgment of others due to family and social isolation”, explains the criminologist.

It is precisely on the connection with others and on stability that the propensity to care also depends, the famous “maternal instinct”: “There is a ‘maternal instinct’ but it is not a universal and innate characteristic. It is often said ‘You will feel it immediately when your child is born’. In reality this is not the case, it always depends on how integrated this personality is. However, there is a predisposition to care. After giving birth, real changes occur, such as the increase in activation in the brain areas linked to care.

What’s happening to mothers today?

Today this inclination to project and love towards one’s children seems to have suddenly been lost. Cases of infanticide seem to be increasing, and yet – the doctor recalls – the number of mothers who kill their children remains very low, despite public perception to the contrary.

Contemporary motherhood seems to be made up only of extremes: ballets on Tiktok or episodes of crime news. But it’s not all black or white. Becoming a mother is still a serious matter, a demanding choice and a new birth can hardly be a solution to personal problems. As the doctor states: “If everything were so clear-cut, if giving birth really cured people it would be easier, we would tell all our patients to have a child!”.