Living in a city that is among the first in the 2024 ranking for crimes suffered, it may happen that you have to file a complaint with the authorities. This is what happened to one of our readers from Milan, who invited us to repeat her incredible experience: “You have to try it too”, she was promised on the phone. She had lost her wallet. Someone then tried to withdraw money with her ATM. So to avoid queues and waiting, she turned to the online counter, much publicized by the Ministry of the Interior. Since it is a complaint against unknown persons, it can be done. It is valid as an official act to obtain a duplicate of documents. And it also takes a few minutes. But no: here is my equally incredible odyssey.

Thefts and lost documents: what happens with the “vi@ web report”

“Denuncia vi@ web – it is explained on the Internet – is the name of the service that allows you to start and simplify the normal procedure… a sort of fast track”. I’ll start with the police. Here’s the link: maybe the hackers got there before us. The page that opens on the screen is white as snow. Except for six mocking letters at the top left: “youpol”, which literally means you-pol. And above, the warning in red: “X Not safe”. Better get out now.

Good thing that in Italy there is more than one police authority. The link to the carabinieri page actually works. There are three steps. Ours is a test of filling it out, which obviously will not be sent. Made-up name: Mario Rossi. Date of birth: September 23, 1970. Gender, male or female: tertium non datur, a lawyer would say. Citizenship: I write Italian, mine. Stop: here is the first surprise. “Citizenship must be valid”, the online form automatically responds (photo above). How? Italian citizenship is not valid? Perhaps, as in the song by Toto Cotugno, you need to indicate Italian. I try again in the masculine. Same ungrammatical answer: “Citizenship must be valid”.

The ministry form: Italian citizenship is not valid

I try to reason with the head of the bureaucrat who invented all this. I imagine that the good answer is not italian*, with the sexually neutral schwa. In fact, the gender only allows for an M or an F. I go ahead. I put the address and telephone number of the Milan editorial office. “Telephone format not valid”, appears verbatim on the form. Got it-try-another-format, I reply. Suddenly it works, but don’t ask me why. In any case, without citizenship, no complaint.

The reader didn’t give me any help. I was born in Italy, to Italian parents and I have an Italian passport: if I’m not Italian, what am I? I’ll write again. Immediate failure: “Citizenship must be valid”. I try to write: French. Same answer. I leave the space blank. “Citizenship is mandatory”, insists the form. In the meantime, I fill in all the other items. I go back to citizenship and try an alternative: correct answer! Oh no, I won’t spoil the surprise. I’ll write the answer at the bottom of the article. 22 minutes and 23 seconds have passed since the beginning. But it’s not over. Now comes the best part.

They ask me what kind of person I am: what should I answer?

The next page offers questions that raise some concerns. “Type of place” and “Type of date” are fine. But what do they want to know with the request “Victim – Type of person”? That I have a clean criminal record? Moderate? Repeat offender? Since it concerns the report of loss of documents, as for our reader, what does “Objective” mean? The only information I have prepared is certainly the place where the documents were lost. Useless effort. The answer here comes out automatically: “Not foreseen/other” (photo below). But why not foresee it, if the place can allow the documents to be found? Or to identify the person who found them and attempted, in the case of the reader, to empty her ATM?

The target is not the victim, as common sense would suggest. But what in detective novels is called the corpus delicti. The drop-down menu opens to a series of suggestions: weapons, bag/suitcase/wallet, registered document, license plate… (photo above). I click on wallet. The correct answer for the type of place is: common, as an alternative to foreign/unknown and State. The date is “certain”. I will reveal the type of person to you as a second solution, at the end of this article. If you think that, having survived this point, you can finally get your report to its destination, you are wrong. New window to fill in: “Object data”.

Who knows what the barracellare card is, raise your hand

In a wallet there can be an identity card, a driving license, credit cards, ATM cards. Each document must be listed in the form, described as requested and saved. I’ll start with the health card, because the reader had reported exactly this. And without reporting it, it is not possible to request its renewal. So accessing public health, getting medical checkups, getting medicines. I thus discover that the pre-compiled list, which cannot be evaded, starts with the barracellare card (photo below).

Who knows how many people in Italy own a Barracellar card. Luckily, the Carabinieri website itself responds to this concern shown by the authors of the Ministry of the Interior under the heading: “Not everyone knows that…”. Luckily, someone admits it. Barracelli: “Established in Sardinia by law 2 August 1897 for the guarantee of properties entrusted to their custody, through a fee paid by the insured owners to cooperate with public security services, to repress cattle rustling and illegal grazing on the island – explains the Carabinieri website -. Barracellar companies are now regulated by the regional law of Sardinia 15 July 1988 number 25”. Amen.

Do not lose your health card: it is not included in the report

It is absolutely right that the Ministry of the Interior has shown such loving attention to the rural communities of a region of 1.6 million inhabitants. But why ignore tens of millions of members of the National Health Service? The “health card” entry does not exist. In addition to the members of the barracelli, the pre-compiled list includes the “tessera amatoriale provin” (verbatim, don’t ask me what it is), that of the prefectorial body, of lawyers and notaries. Even the fan card. But the health card, as it is defined in Italian documents, just does not appear. And there is no way to write it. So I try to click on “tessera sanità europea” (photo above). Maybe it is the right indication.

It seems to work. Place of issue? I write Milan. It’s not good. “Mandatory place of issue”, insists the red notice on the form. Discouraged, I try again with Mi, Milanese, Meneghino, Ambrosiano, Ambrogino. And Milan again (photo above). I load the word and wait for the result. No way: mandatory place of issue, the notice continues. Then it asks the impossible: the date of issue. How can you guess the date of issue if the health document doesn’t show it? I give up. Exactly as happened to our reader: “My problem was the card number – she says -. The regional one has 20 digits. The complaint form allowed 18. How can I know which ones to eliminate?”.

Minister Roberto Calderoli’s flamethrower simplification

The difference between me and her is that I did not lose my documents. I only lost 53 minutes of my time, from 11:18 to 12:11 one morning. She, who is over 80 years old, after asking for help from her family, had to go, as happened fifty years ago, to the nearest police station or carabinieri.

Since 2006, all governments have been spending public resources in the name of digitalization of public administration. So much so that the Simplification Unit was created and there is even a ministry, currently entrusted to Maria Elisabetta Alberti Casellati. Just as it was assigned to Minister Roberto Calderoli, who in 2010 set fire to 375 thousand laws that he himself considered useless with a small “flamethrower” (pictured near the title). But how many millions does it cost every year to manage websites, forms, and online counters that are practically useless? We’ll find out soon. In the meantime, I’ll give you a preview of the two solutions I promised you. Under “citizenship”, the correct answer is: Italy. That is, the State, not citizenship. Under “type of person”, you have to choose between three possibilities: it coincides with the complainant, a natural person, or a legal person. Given how it ended, a fourth alternative should be added: disappointed person.

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