It will have happened to any single woman, more than once in her life, to sit at the table with relatives – or, even worse, with friends – and be asked the fateful question: “But what about you? But how is it possible that you are still alone?”. A question then peppered with observations aggravating the alleged anomaly, such as “Yet you are so pretty/nice/intelligent”, of your choice. A question that presupposes two implications: first of all, that you are worth “less” than them, because you are not in a stable relationship; and, above all – since the subtext is “too bad, I wish you were happy” – that you are not, in fact, happy. “No matter how full your life is, between work and friendships, nothing in their eyes will be able to compensate for the fact that you don’t have a partner,” explains Gabriella Grasso, author of “Stop telling us we’re not happy. A survey of single women”published by Damiani Editore. A book that all single women should read – to recognize themselves in doubts and useless feelings of guilt, and above all to learn to enjoy the journey rather than waiting for a destination, that of a relationship, which maybe will not arrive and maybe not even belong to us – but also and above all everyone else, so that they can finally dismantle their own prejudices, as befits “an era that proclaims itself attentive to the sensitivities of others”.
From Bridget Jones to Carrie Bradshow, “pop culture” singles are brilliant but always desperate for a man
A new reading, if you think about the dominant narratives so far. From Bridget Jones to Carrie Bradshow, in fact, the single women depicted in pop culture have always been ironic and brilliant figures, but nevertheless perpetually involved in the desperate search for a man, as Grasso points out. Never completely happy, in short. “It’s as if”, observes the journalist, “the only single woman accepted by society is the one who tries not to be accepted anymore”. And from here was born the idea of interviewing thirty Italian women, between 30 and 69 years old, who live their condition with serenity. The book – it should be noted – is not a banal ideological manifesto of “single pride”, much less does it relaunch the now outdated contrast between family and career. It is rather, explains Grasso, “an invitation to change the narrative, to bring the condition of individuality to have the same dignity and the same social recognition as being in a couple”, given that, obviously, “this same condition can change at any moment”. “I’m not interested in arguing that one lives better as a single person”, continues the writer, “every existential circumstance has its pros and cons. Yet, women without a stable partner always only highlight the cons: I, however, wanted to focus on the pros. Because there is no ideal condition for anyone, everyone is different, and it is important to recognize equal possibility of happiness for everyone”.
The “dictatorship of the couple”. And the story of Gabriella Grasso
Starting from his own personal experience, Grasso invites us to reconsider what – deliberately tranchant – is defined by many as “the dictatorship of the couple”, or “the consideration of the couple as the best possible existential solution”. In fact, although the word “spinster” is no longer used in a derogatory sense, explains the writer, the social pressure towards single women still materializes through the so-called “singlism“, or a subtly discriminatory attitude. “No matter how strong you are, it’s difficult to resist,” he says. “I, for example, have often felt a feeling of ‘mistake‘”, she says of herself. Until one evening, at dinner, she had a switch. And from there the decision to write the essay. “I was in a restaurant together with other colleagues all in pairs, who I always considered more ‘right’ than me”, she remembers “and one of them explained with enormous enthusiasm that she had organized a trip alone (‘I rented a car alone’, ‘I chose the beaches alone’). But, while the others listened to her enthusiastically, I realized that what was extraordinary for them was normality for me: there I understood that we singles, despite feeling lacking, have abilities that are not recognized and that we do not recognize ourselves”.
Singles are growing in the world: 37% of Italians are single by choice
Yet, as Rebecca Traister, an American journalist quoted in the book, writes, “for some women the desire to remain alone with their own projects remains a very strong attraction, for their whole life or in alternating phases”. As in the case of Clarissa, who, when pressed by Grasso to remember one of the moments of greatest happiness in life – the one that our most conservative imagination would associate with marriage, in short – replies “an improvised evening at the theatre”. “I had discovered that my favorite artist, Marina Abramović, would be performing at the San Carlo in Naples,” she recalls, “and, despite an intense week of work, I wanted too much to give up. I tried to involve some friends, but between their ‘maybes’ and ‘let’s see’ in the end I decided to leave alone: I’m like that, instinctive, without too many uncertainties”. Well, he says, “It was one of the most beautiful evenings of my life, a dream: I remember the people turning while, in evening dress, I crossed Piazza del Plebiscito, the aperitif and that sense of fullness. Having been able to indulge in that wonderful madness, without having to answer to anyone made me feel, I don’t want to exaggerate… I think omnipotent.” Like her, 41% of single Italians believe that being single represents more of an opportunity than a limit, and 37% declare they are single by choice (Eurispes data).
Traveling alone is no longer a taboo. I’ll tell you why you should do it too
Single, but not alone. Sex, motherhood and “post-traditional intimacy”
But what, then, of love? Love, the book answers, is always there: ready to enter the life of each of the women interviewed, when it is worth it, or in forms other than the traditional ones. In fact – explains the sociologist Elyakim Kislev, quoted by the author – the increase in single people will correspond to an increase in new forms of relationships. Different models, which he collects under the umbrella definition of “post-traditional intimacy”or non-traditional forms of intimacy. “For years I have been seeing a woman from time to time”, says Roberta. “Our lives intersect only occasionally. It is a bond that is difficult to define, which lasts precisely because it remains outside of conventions and certain expectations.” “The important thing,” echoes Gilda, “is to be clear in communicating what we expect from each other.” Testimonies, these, which obviously deny another great prejudice about single women: that according to which they don’t have a sexual life. And, with the same idea of freedom, Grasso also reiterates the right not to want children, proposing a concept of parenting that is “multifaceted compared to the merely biological one”: “Like that of women who take care of their grandchildren, for example, or their students, if they are teachers”.
“I’ll raise him myself, but I’m not afraid.” Who are the first singles in the running to adopt (and what still doesn’t add up)
“Let’s imagine a future in which friendship will have more weight, even legally”
And it is precisely from this perspective of redefining bonds that an even more interesting chapter opens: that of friendship. In fact, in the future the latter could come forward, even in a legal sense, “to fill the void left by marriage”, explains sociologist Elyakim Kislev. In this sense, the definition of “social convoy” – or the ‘social convoy’ made up of relatives, friends, mentors or lovers who pass through our lives -, coined by Bella De Paulo, is enlightening. As is that of “co-housing“, or co-housing, imagined as a possibility especially in old age, when it also becomes necessary in terms of mutual assistance. “I visited a co-housing in London, but it took them 18 years to create it”, admits the writer, “Between saying and doing there are logistical and financial issues involved. But it’s still a beautiful idea. At the moment in Italy there are no entities of this type dedicated exclusively to single people. But roommates, that is, sharing a house with friends, even after the university years, is becoming more widespread.”
The cost of being single
And in the meantime, while in Italy right now we are once again talking about the “Single Bonus 2025” – benefits also accessible to single people – in other countries, such as Switzerland, Holland and Australia, there are already associations for the rights of singles. “Society,” observes Grasso, “is structured by family units and, therefore, inequalities are inevitable: a single person spends on average 546 euros more per month than a couple. Just think of food products, calibrated to the needs of a family.” “In Italy,” he concludes, “we need neutral public policies, valid for everyone. Society has changed: the regulatory system must adapt.”
