This year the discussion on “no contact” Christmas has heated up, following the public posts of some people, which were then relaunched by all the newspapers. This is the decision to spend the Christmas holidays away from the family, due to disagreements, tensions, various sources of stress that some prefer to avoid, to spend their holidays in peace.

The equation Christmas = family is rarely questioned in Italy: we take for granted that we have to go to our parents, even if we live far away and have a family of our own, and even if they have damaged us and family reunions are a fiction of harmony.

The cult of the family no longer reflects our society

It is a beautiful tradition in many ways, if you have a normal family (given that you could very well take your holidays elsewhere anyway), but which in many cases can be experienced as a constraint. For many, returning to their family of origin is not a pleasure, and they prepare for that moment as if they were serving a sentence: it’s just a few days of patience, then I’ll be free.

A paradigm shift in this sense, the emergence of this possibility in the collective horizon, may have a certain relevance socially. Hanging out with your family of origin is not obligatory, and the social judgment on those who choose not to do so is ridiculous. In Italy we have a real cult of the family, which must necessarily be united, there is no need to argue, blood prevails over everything, etc. etc. As a result, it is difficult for many to escape, even when in reality the family causes more suffering than anything else.

It’s annoying to talk about having ended relationships with a close relative, because inevitably you hear that you’ll find each other again, that you need to forgive, and you glimpse the certainty in the interlocutor that it’s not possible to sever such an (apparently) visceral bond: in short, he knows better than you what feelings you have towards your brother or your mother, and it’s certain that you’ll come to your senses sooner or later.

The problem of labels and bickering

The topic, however, having emerged on social media, is treated with the usual stadium cheering. As usual, a label is created that defines whoever makes it their own: me I am someone who does Christmas “no contact”. I announce it to the whole world, which shouldn’t even give a damn, but instead it expires, it rages, producing two factions that find themselves arguing about something that concerns the individual and his private life.

Here we have on the one hand those who, in fact, claim the freedom (the absurdity of this word to talk about where to have Christmas!) to move away from siblings and parents, and defend it with drawn sword by recounting their own traumas and the unhealthy dynamics of their family. And on the other those who “but then when your parents die you want the inheritance” and who launch dramatic appeals to the sensitivity of the past, now lost due to the selfishness of the ‘young people’.

Learn to ignore other people’s judgment

The former claim to eliminate the judgment of others, in short they aim for a world in which no one will mind your business and criticize you because you didn’t return home. This is, of course, impossible: we observe others, compare them to ourselves, and have opinions about what they do. It would be appropriate for us to keep them to ourselves, learning to mind our own business; but if other people’s affairs are exposed to us publicly it is inevitable that we participate in the game.

The real and simple solution would be to not care about other people’s judgment, since life is ours. Thinking of creating a society where no one bothers you in any way is naive, if not stupid; so it is right to discuss issues and try to educate others to respect other people’s choices, but above all it is necessary to understand that the judgment of others cannot affect you and that, ultimately, it is your business.

In general it seems that we want to fight battles for every single aspect of life that causes annoyance on the part of others, as if we have decided that nothing negative should enter our sphere. Thinking about managing it, however, seems to be not very progressive.